JOKES

WHAT A SMART TEACHER

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

3 steps to follow in an exam hall:
1) Look up inspiration


2) Look down for concentration


3) Look around for information ;)


ENGINEER STUDENTS

Q: How to kill an Ant? Asked in xam for 15 marks.
Engineer student: Mix chilli powder with Sugar & keep it outside the Ant's hole
After eating, Ant will search 4 water near a water tank.
Push ant into it. Now ant will go to dry itself near fire. Put a bomb into d fire.
Then admit d wounded ant in ICU.
Remove oxygen mask from it's mouth n kill d ant.
MORAL: Don't play wid ENGINEERS, they can do anything for 15 marks...

X-MAS BONGO
Kipindi hiki wanaume mnapokea simu na sms za aina gani?
'Dear, kodi ya pango inaisha January 2012 na mwenye nyumba ameongeza kodi. I love you much!'
'Baby, xmas itakuwaje nataka nikafanye shopping Mariedo. Na nataka kwenda kusuka mwenge, naomba TShs 1,000,000. Xoxo.'
'Mpenzi, sasa Kova utamdanganya vipi kuhusu ile safari yetu ya Zanzibar on new year's eve? Missing you badly!'
'Sweetie, naomba uniongezee TShs 600,000 niweze kumalizia school fees ya mdogo wangu. Kiss and hug.'
'Mama na wadogo zangu watakuwepo wakati wa sikukuu hii. Kwahiyo naomba hela ya shopping ya chakula my love. Bye!'
'Sweetheart, nimeishiwa naomba pesa ya mafuta kama TShs 200,000 ukiweza please. Chat later baby.'.

HII NOMA

Katika shindano la kula ugali kwa mboga ya ajabu washindi watatu wa juu walikuwa kama ifuatavyo;
wa tatu alikula ugal akilumangia na chumvi mfuko mzma!
Wa pili alijipigilia ugali kwa bakuli la maji. Almanusura atwae kombe!
Na ndipo mshindi wa kwanza alipojitokeza na kuwafunika wote kwa kula ugali mkubwa na ugali mdogo kama mboga!

FIANCE

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. So what are your plans? The father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar. He says. A Torah scholar, Hmmm, the father says. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to? I will study, the young man said, and God will provide for us. And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us. And children? asks the father. How will you support children? Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey? The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks Im God.

ANIMALS AND FACEBOOK

If animals have Facebook, these are most likely to be their Status Updates,

COCKROACH: Managed to skip
from some one’s foot step.. Man, I
lead a dangerous lifestyle!

Cat: My 7th child is asking who is
her dad. What shall I tell her??, I
don’t even remember

Mosquito: I am HIV positive.. this
is all due to wrong sucking

Chicken: If tomorrow I don't
update my status, means I'm
being served at KFC. Love you all
♥

Pig: Oh gosh they throw the
gossips that I am spreading flu…
WTF!!

Goat : Friends, don’t go out, Eid is
coming soon

WISHES DO COME TRUE EEH??!!

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

FOR THE MARRIED WOMEN


A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"