Let’s get naked—but not in the way you think.
Let’s be honest. Let’s be real. Let’s pour out our fears, doubts, and the thoughts we wrestle with internally but never say aloud because we don’t want others to know how deeply wounded we are.
As a 40-year-old woman, some say I am not old, while others say I am not young. My own body tells me, “You are both. You are somewhere in between.”
Some days, I feel energetic. Other days, I wake up not knowing what is happening to my body or brain. I spend so much time researching my symptoms. Is this perimenopause? Is it caused by another condition I don’t know about?
Then comes my biggest and loudest emotional dilemma: having children.
From a very young age—and in every diary I have kept since my teenage years—I have always said that I would have five children. Yes, five!
Of course, I was young and didn’t understand what it takes to have and raise a child mentally, physically, financially, and in every other way. Somehow, I continued telling myself that I would have five children. In fact, I recently came across an old note—a prayer point—asking God to bless me with five children.
But now, at 40, and with all the issues I face daily, I wonder: What would fulfilling my desire to have five children actually look like? A first time mom if I may add.
Could God be blessing me with the gift of raising other people’s children? Was I destined to be a mother or an aunt? Was I meant to give birth to my own children? Am I equipped to carry a pregnancy for nine whole months? Am I equipped to do it once—or even five times?
As a Christian, I pray and have faith because it is not about me; it is about God. I know that everything is possible with God. But do I truly know what God wants for me?
What if this—right now, the person I am today—is where I was meant to be and who I was meant to become? What if this is God’s will for my life? And what if holding on to the desire for five children is causing me pain and misery because it is about what I want rather than what I was destined to become?
One of the hardest things we must do as human beings is let go—let go of dreams, plans, and beliefs. In short, surrender!!! What if my body is telling me that it is okay to let go? What if it is okay to accept the life I have and carry on?
When I look at the many ways I have been a blessing to the people God has placed in my life, I believe I have done a good job of fulfilling my mission. I know I have messed up in many other ways, but what if my mission involves being there for others and letting go of desires that increasingly leave me questioning myself?
It is difficult to accept. It is a tough pill to swallow.
It is tough being naked—exposing the shame, sadness, and everything in between. I know we are often told to hold on, but what if letting go would bring more joy into my life? What if it would put me in a better position to be a blessing to more people than I could be if I became a mother?
As I sit here and write down my hidden fears, I sincerely hope that no one reading this will think I have lost faith. I haven’t. I simply want to be aligned with God’s will for my life.
I know God does the impossible. His way of showing it may be to give me quadruplets—or twins and triplets—when the time is right. But until that happens, I still choose to believe that God is faithful.
God has already done so much for me, in me, and through me that I could never lose faith in Him. I cannot stop loving God because of this. I trust Him too much to let Him go.
I am simply asking, “God, is it Your will for me to be a mother? And if it is, is it Your will for me to have five children?”
I would never want to make a choice outside God’s will and plans for my life. I have been rebellious enough times to know that the consequences of rebellion aren’t pretty. Let’s not fool ourselves: much of what happens in our lives results from the choices we make—good or bad.
I prefer the good part.
Anywho! Life is what happens while we are busy making plans.
Xoxo,
Mama Tembo
